Mike White produced and appears in Gentlemen Broncos, the new film from Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess. He’s also worked on a large roster of beloved comedies, from Freaks & Geeks to School of Rock.

What can screenwriting teach you about dating?
I tend to write in the arena of awkward scenarios and awkward conversations. Dating is often the perfect inspiration. As a writer, you just have to find the absurdity in the awkwardness of dating, enjoy the absurdity, and not think of it in the humiliating ways that you could.

I’m a screenwriter and I’ve started dating another screenwriter — how can we avoid competition in our relationship?
It’s tricky. All relationships in the business, even when people aren’t doing the exact same thing… there’s so much rejection in Hollywood, and there are so many ups and downs, that it’s a lot more of a rollercoaster than a lot of careers. It’s hard not to see yourself comparatively to the success or failure of others, and in relationships, obviously it’s best when you have good self-esteem, like you aren’t so buffeted by the vicissitudes of fortune. But you know, people who aren’t affected by that are few and far between. I guess my advice is to find someone to have a relationship with outside of the business.

A lot of your projects focus on teenagers. Everybody says teenagers know nothing about dating, but is there anything about relationships that people could actually learn from teenagers?
Maybe teenagers are more savvy then we were back in the day. A lot of it has to do with the internet and the ways you can find like-minded people. Before, you were much more isolated, and I think that’s something adults can learn from teenagers. Adults can get unimaginative about their approach to meeting people.

Another common subject of yours is outsiders. Do outsiders have an advantage in relationships when they grow up?
I think the earlier you realize that the conventions of relationships, the conventions of life, don’t pertain to you, the freer you are to make decisions based on your own happiness and your own criteria. That’s a real gift of being an outsider. If you grow up a little bit outside of the norm, you’re just free of normative thinking. The most unhappy people I know are people who made choices based on some kind of conventional wisdom as opposed what was right for them specifically.

The Source: Rev. Aaron Dumas, Tell Me Pastor, Jamaica Online Star

The Dilemma: “I am twenty-six and I met this thirty-one-year-old man a year ago… We only have sex twice a month, as he makes excuses to not make love to me… I love this man but I know he is depressed. I have suggested counseling, but he refuses. I suggested antidepressants but he refuses to even think about it. ”

The Advice: “You can only encourage him to get help but you cannot force him… If he does not get help, he may even quit school and give up on life. I must also warn you that although you are enjoying having sex with him, you are going to regret what you are doing because, right now, whether you know it, he is only having sex to please you. Please do not encourage him to take antidepressant tablets. Continue to encourage him to go for help.”

The Rebuttal: I have a question for you, Man of the Cloth: if God didn’t want us to be happy, why did he invent SSRIs? Anti-depressants may not be an answer, but it’s way too early to rule them out, especially if you don’t have anything even remotely resembling a medical license. As for the sex, chill the H out. You make her sound like a third-time offender. Unless she had him in eight-point restraints, I’m pretty sure his penis was a willing party.

The Source: Robin Anderson, London Free Press

The Dilemma: “All my friends are attached at the moment, and their boyfriends are all they seem to want to talk about… They go out with their guys, and I find myself either excluded from the group outing, or ignored in favor of making eyes at their guys. How can I fit in to my group again? ”

The Advice: “I think it is fair for you to expect your friends to treat you the same way they did before… Tell them how this is affecting you and that you feel you are being pushed out. Let them know that you still want to spend time with them but that you are feeling slighted by their actions… See if their behavior changes once you have given them something to think about.”

The Rebuttal: People change when they enter into long-term relationships. Expecting everything to stay the same is to deny reality. You can’t complain without offering concrete suggestions, whether it’s a weekly ‘girls night’ or a thirty-minute limit on guy talk. Make it fun — whoever can go the longest without mentioning their beau gets a free shot/appetizer/etc. at the end of the night.

The Source: Scott Bowen, interviewed by Stephen Lowman for The Washington Post

The Dilemma: You know what they say: all the fanged ones are taken. How does a girl stand out from all the Twilight slags and True Blood wanna-bes and snag herself a real-deal vampire?

The Advice: “Do [vampires] make good boyfriends? Yes and no. A woman involved with a vampire certainly has a measure of protection she has never ever had before. He is a cross between bodyguard, knight, and cop. It’s a bit topsy-turvy because this is someone who can only function when the sun is down. If you are a busy, professional woman who has a serious job or daytime responsibilities, it’s going to be bit taxing.

What are some vampire turn-ons and turn-offs? They definitely like outgoing, athletic women who are up for a little midnight roving… There might come a point in a relationship with a vampire where the woman realizes that he has killed someone — for a good reason, but he has done it. He is looking for someone who has an alternative point of view and can accept that.”

The Rebuttal: PSSST… vampires are NOT REAL. A person who kills someone is called a murderer, and a grown woman who wants to date a guy who runs around in cloaks and white makeup needs to get her ass to a shrink and her nose out of her Anne Rice novel.

The Source: Dear Daisy, Daisy Melwani, Travel Blackboard

The Dilemma: “Dear Daisy:  Having heard so much about this ‘Mile High Club,’ I was wondering if you had any tips to help me get into such an exclusive association? — Need Some Mileage”

The Advice: “The first step is to consider buying a business-class ticket. Not only are the toilets here bigger than economy class, there’s also a smaller cabin of people to try and avoid when making your move. Of course convincing your bosses that they should upgrade you to business on the next business trip may be a difficult task in these difficult recessionary times… Additionally, some airlines have now mandated policies against the sort of behavior that you’re suggesting — so maybe double check the fine-print before hitting on your fellow passengers and cross your fingers that the hottie in 3A isn’t an air marshal.”

The Rebuttal: First of all, don’t do this. You’re looking at a night in jail if you get caught, not to mention public embarrassment and fines totaling thousands of dollars. Book a ticket on an airline that caters to this kind of passenger. What it lacks in naughty factor it more than makes up for in amenities. Why do it in a scuzzy bathroom when you can have champagne, a queen-size bed, and flowers? If  you have your heart set on blue toilet water and questionable smells, ignore Daisy and book coach. The business-class bathrooms are right near the pilots and the flight attendants, i.e. extraordinarily obvious. And don’t do it on business travel, for the love of Michael Jordan. Talk about fucking yourself over if you get caught. “Sorry, Darcy. I’m in jail. Yep. Got caught fucking on the plane. Do me a solid and tell Jim I won’t be able to make that 9:00 a.m. conference call.”

I’m a twenty-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is twenty-three, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women. It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman — is that too much to ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom? — Crazy About Girls Eternally

Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the Circuit — not yet, anyway, even if the internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls — ostensibly on your behalf — gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you’re going to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either in person or online. And you might have more success landing a willing bisexual girl — a girl who’s interested in you and your boyfriend — if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by twenty-three-year-old pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume that it’s about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the girlfriend’s. And if you’re hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous, and headachy, even a girl who might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your demeanor, presume your boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she’s going to think you have the swine flu and decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the lead. Remember: It’s okay to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting on someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated when it comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth — what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct and truthful, something along the lines of, “We think you’re really hot, and we’ve always wanted to have a threesome” — and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl who crosses your paths. If you can’t do that, post personal ads online and flirt via e-mail. There are a lot of couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you’ll increase your odds of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in exchange for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you and your boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous—but it’s his turn, right?

I’m a straight female in her early twenties, currently engaged to a handsome man three years older. We’re very happy and we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been worried about one question:

Considering my limited previous sexual experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I’ve gotten some (well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that suggests that we are both making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else, I’m told, and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with a less experienced partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are wrong.

I have absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship, and I do my best to be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and a lot more confident in bed now compared to when we first made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don’t want to find out down the road that we made a mistake. — Negligible Experience With Boning

Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters. Just keep those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in a while that even the less experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have likes and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms, and make suggestions — and sometimes demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every right to expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering you such unhelpful advice — tell those underminers — to go fuck themselves. Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone. And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of experience.

I have a small problem. My niece is fourteen, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He’s a sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell for him when she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school, which is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage girl wouldn’t want someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away. Needless to say, my sister loves the boy — he’s a perfect gentleman. I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only fourteen; what harm could it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don’t want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a Felix Unger-type heterosexual. Any advice? — A Caring Loving Uncle

It’s comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy, seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up (or one of those rare fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by the University of British Columbia found that gay and lesbian youth — closeted or otherwise — were more likely to get pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says “I’M NOT GAY!” like a knocked-up fourteen-year-old girlfriend.

So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside for a chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then let him have it: “But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you.” Now pay attention to the italicized bits in what comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck her — she’s fourteen, so are you — but if you need condoms or advice about anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I won’t repeat anything you ask me about to my sister. And don’t think I won’t kick your ass just because I’m gay. I can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket — where did you get it?”

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out for her — something all fourteen-year-old boyfriends should be made aware of — and that he can confide in you, the involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It’s unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and it’s important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however improbable it might seem) before, during, and after your talk. You’ll be nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and lasting harm — read: teen pregnancy — to your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well…you can’t protect her from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes with being fourteen.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

The movie: The notoriously bad and gratuitously sexed-up Showgirls was universally panned when it came out in 1995, but has since evolved into a camp classic. Taking sex scenes to that hallowed place where the improbable becomes ludicrous, Showgirls wraps its exploitation around your basic trumped-up intrigues of a penniless woman trying to get by as a stripper in Vegas. This, my friends, is a film to be watched on mute — with your finger on fast-forward.

The scene: Wow, does Elizabeth Berkley know how to have a good time. After walking Kyle MacLachlan naked out to a backyard pool (with waterfall and neon palm trees), she gives him some submerged oral pleasuring. They then proceed to even greater wet wildness. A few mid-mount moments later, she arches her back and begins thrashing madly (presumably in climax) like someone auditioning for a tribal dance number. Next to Ms. Berkley’s response, most women’s big-Os seem decidedly teensy.

What you need:
• pool, hot tub, ocean, or lake
• willing partner

The mechanics: Sex under water isn’t inherently great or awful. Sure, the setting can be beautiful, but there are increased health risks (a greater chance of infection and the condom problems I’m about to mention) and pregnancy is still possible (even sauna water isn’t hot enough to kill sperm). There are also some physical advantages and limitations to consider, so if you’re going to play Poseidon among the Nereids, keep these things in mind:

• Buoyancy is great. As you can see from the clip, it’s easy for the woman to wrap her legs around the guy’s waist and for him to hold her up. However, she should probably hold on to something secure (if possible), or the man have very stable footing. Pool floors are obviously pretty slick, and it’s a lot easier to slip and hit your head when you’re paying attention to your lover, not your safety.

• Don’t trust your condom. If you’re going at it under water, you’re running a serious risk of the condom coming off (water gets inside and oops, off it goes). Also, hot tub and pool chemicals can weaken a condom, and the extra friction (see below) increases the chance of breakage. A female condom is safer, though still less effective than on dry land. And with either condom type, make sure to put in on or in before getting in the pool!

• Bring lube or go easy. Ironically, water can wash away a woman’s natural lubricants (and whatever’s on the outside of a condom), resulting in a dry vagina. That can lead to discomfort for either party and increases the potential of STD transmission. Water-based lubes will dissolve instantly in a pool, so use something greasy like baby oil if you’re not using a condom (oil breaks down the condom) or a silicone-based one if you are.

• Try not to force tons of water up into the woman. It’s not healthy and probably not comfortable. So remember: less in and out, and more straight grinding.

Lesson we learn: Both the joys and the dangers of sub-aquatic boinking are a little overstated, but with the right precautions and some gentleness, there’s no reason you can’t have a good time in the wide, watery world.

Click here to read — and learn — more in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database.

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I met a guy one night when I was out with the girls. He took my number, told me the bar where he works, and asked me to stop by sometime. I never heard from him and never gave it another thought. Eight months later, I ended up going to his bar and saw him. He sat down with me and we talked for two hours. My friend said he must like me, since directors of high-end bars don’t usually do that. He told me to come back.

A week later, I went to his bar for a birthday party. When he saw me, he came right over, and we chatted about how his day was and how I was bringing him a lot of business. At the end of the night, he asked me to come back when it wasn’t so busy, because he wanted to go out. I told him I’d come back the next week. He made sure he had my number and said goodbye.

I came back the third week, and the place was even busier than usual. I met a couple of guys who kept talking to me. When I saw him, I said hello. He said he’d come by my table in a bit. He never did. When I went back up to the bar, he bought me a drink and told me that it seemed like I was too busy to talk. Then he disappeared. I saw him outside later. He said I should come by more often but never mentioned how we were supposed to go out.

I’m confused. Did I just assume that he liked me? I understand that he manages a high-end bar where meeting beautiful woman is  easy. I’m wondering if I got the wrong signals? Should I make a move? I’m not going to that venue for at least three weeks so I don’t look desperate. — Mixed Signals

Dear Mixed Signals,

Make a move? It sounds like you’ve made plenty, sweetheart. You made a move when you gave him your phone number. You made a move when you went to his bar. You made a move when you returned a week later. Even though it was on the pretext of somebody’s birthday party, your intentions were obvious. You made still more moves when you returned a third time, tried to talk to him, and got rebuffed.

I know what it’s like to be smitten with someone, especially when that someone is gorgeous and has a cool job. When they’re giving you encouragement, no matter how minimal, you’re always going to want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

But what you call “mixed signals” are really pretty straightforward:

Fact: he’s had your number for the better part of a year but has never called.
Fact: he only wants to see you at his workplace, i.e., he doesn’t want to go out of his way.
Fact: he’s had multiple opportunities, but has never officially asked you out.

It takes nothing to tell a pretty girl to come by your bar and bring her friends. I’m sure he likes the boost it gives, both to his business and his ego. I wouldn’t be impressed that he gives you free alcohol. He runs a bar. Fetching you a Gatorade or one of those awful roses in a plastic tube from the gas station across the street would be more meaningful.

Excuses like “he’s just busy” or “he saw me talking to those guys and got jealous” are just that — excuses, all of which add up to him not asking you out. You can certainly go ahead and ask him out. It’s not like he’s banned you from his restaurant and has taken out a restraining order.

It all comes down to a willingness to be rejected. If you can deal with the thought of him saying no, then go for it. Just be careful what you wish for. I wouldn’t be surprised if he accepts and then cancels, or goes on a few dates with you then backs out. How someone behaves at the beginning of a relationship is usually a good indicator of how they’ll behave later on. Why volunteer for more white-knuckled uncertainty, when there are guys out there who will like you and actually show it?

Dear Miss Information,

Ask your readers why women are hesitant to date short men. Is it social or biological? — Short Bald Guy

Dear Short Bald Guy,

What, no questions about being a bald guy, as well? I’ve been trying to come up with a famous, short, bald guy I want to bang, just to be contrarian, but keep stalling out at Mr. Burns from The Simpsons and Danny DeVito. Jason Statham is sufficiently foxy and follicle-free to be a contender, but IMDB lists him at five-eight-and-a-half, not far from the average American male height of five-nine. Vin Diesel is a disappointing six feet tall, which I verified through an exhaustive Google image search of shirtless photos. My job is horrible.

Is the short-men-can’t-date syndrome social? Biological? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows. You can look to all kinds of pop-science studies. For every one that says short guys don’t get the girl, there’s another that says women value personality and a sense of humor above all else. They don’t speak to individual attraction, a complex phenomenon which can’t be scientifically tracked to social data or the behavior of hominids millions of years ago.

Bullshit, you say? Science constantly evolves (and hopefully improves). There was a time when the idea of “female hysteria” was used keep women out of the workplace, and people of color were regarded as savages. Both of those had so-called “science” on their side, too. Studies like this one, which had a sample set of fewer than 100 people,  still somehow make the front-page news. My day job is advertising. If I tried to convince a client of something with that amount of evidence, I’d be tossed out on my ass. Why are the standards lower for human beings than they are for laundry detergent?

And I don’t buy the “just add confidence!” argument that so many people try to sell to short guys. It’s unrealistic. I just think anyone who differs from the so-called midline (whatever that is) of the human spectrum is going to have a tougher time dating, whether you’re skinny or fat, rich or poor, heavily tattooed, or living in a geodesic dome. The best advice I can give is to be the best version of yourself you can be, keep putting yourself out there, and be patient. Sometimes it takes awhile.

Readers, what would you say to Short Bald Guy? How does height play into your dating experiences?

Jerald, 31

Why is a haunted house a good first-date spot?
In general, intense experiences bring people closer — and being shocked and terrified definitely qualifies as an intense experience.

Have you ever caught any customers going too far or fooling around, when they thought no one was looking?
No. But, I did see a guy piss his pants once. I guess he’d say we went too far.

What’s the best way to pick up a haunted-house employee?
Catch them when they’re on a break, and ask them to tell you more about how they prepare for this kind of role — most of the crew members in a haunted house are actors, and we never miss an opportunity to self-promote or be the center of attention.

I know my boyfriend is cheating on me. I can’t prove it yet, but I am certain. Will it put my mind at ease if I tail him for the day?
Whether your boyfriend is cheating or not, you need to get a grip. Just because he might — and I stress might — be a shallow cad, doesn’t mean you have to become a crazy stalker. Just ask him to his face if he’s cheating. If you don’t believe anything he tells you, then cheating isn’t the issue, trust is.

My best friend started dating my ex. Should I be supportive of their new relationship, or write them both off as jerks?
Ask yourself: are they happy? Just because you and your ex didn’t work out doesn’t mean that your friend and your ex won’t either. Aren’t we all someone else’s ex?

My girlfriend was approached by a porn producer. She’s always been a bit of an exhibitionist, but I can’t believe she’s actually considering the offer. Am I wrong not to want my girlfriend to bang other guys for a few bucks?
Before you get too excited, just think how cool it would be to tell your friends you’re dating a porn star.

I kept quiet after my girlfriend told me she loved me during sex. Now, she won’t even look at me. Is there any way that I can undo what I did… or didn’t do?
No, you’re pretty much screwed. I imagine she’s told all her friends by now too, and they, in turn, told their friends. Your best bet: either say it in a really big way or dump her just to avoid any more grief.

The Source: Igor Hiller, Daily Nexus

The Dilemma: “I have a great roommate. He’s an extremely clean, respectful, and studious guy. There’s this one little thing, though, that I just can’t handle, and I have no idea what to do about it… My roommate has earphones he uses while doing homework that he thinks are completely soundproof, but they’re not and I can hear exactly what he’s listening to. He’s listening to porn. I’m talking hard-core moaning and screaming stuff… Please help.”

The Advice: “Your roommate is trying to be a good guy by wearing earphones, and that’s still not good enough for you. What’s the big deal? Let the guy listen to some porn. Put some music on or something, and everything will be fine.”

The Rebuttal: Igor doesn’t ask the obvious, which is: “Are you sure that’s porn?” (Incidentally, this would also make for a great Jeopardy! Audio Daily Double.) As a fan of both hip-hop and various forms of heavy metal, I can tell you that there’s quite a bit of crossover. It could be a sweaty Norwegian screaming unintelligible lyrics about dead babies or a DJ doing a heavy-handed sample from a porno. Whatever it is, not everyone can study with music in the background. Tell him his headphones are shit and he needs to turn the volume way down. There’s no need to mention what you’re hearing. The fact that he knows you can hear it will be embarrassment enough.

The Source: Ask Deanna, Canyon News

The Dilemma: “I loaned money to my girlfriend’s husband and now he won’t pay the money back. I did this personal favor without talking to my friend first. He is now telling me to stop harassing him or he’s going to accuse me of trying to sleep with him. I’ve been sending him e-mails to call along with text messages and I’ve called his cell phone. I thought I was doing the right thing by not mentioning the loan. How do I get my money without jeopardizing my friendship?”

The Advice: “It’s to your advantage to go ahead and write the money off unless you’re willing to bring drama in your life. If there’s no promissory note or paper trail indicating you loaned the money and it would be paid back, you’re stuck. You’re being blackmailed and it’s going to get worse. Tell your friend about the loan, stop looking for payment and whatever happens in their relationship is not your fault because you chose to be honest and have integrity. ”

The Rebuttal: This advice isn’t half-bad, although I would definitely want to know the amount. Are we talking fifty dollars of integrity or $5,000? If it’s the latter, Ms. Money Loaner, you might want to keep pursuing it. You could have more power of persuasion once you get your best friend involved.

My main issue is with the advice columnist’s headshot. Holy Toledo. You’ve an attractive woman, Deanna M., but that JPG is fucking enormous. When your headshot takes up more real estate than your writing, you know there’s a problem.

The Source: Carl Alasko, Monterey Herald

The Dilemma: “My partner and I got married in a state where gay marriage is legal and we want to have a celebration and commitment ceremony here. My older brother has religious beliefs about gays, and while he hasn’t been obviously intolerant so far, he balked at attending our ceremony. He’s also launched a campaign in our family against our event, citing all kinds of religious reasons. This is upsetting and I’m not sure how to handle it.”

The Advice: “It’s always upsetting to be confronted with bias, bigotry, racism, sexism and any of the other affronts to loving relationships that people can devise… I believe it’s connected to some people requiring rigid discipline and rules in their lives. They cannot tolerate nuance, ambiguity and complexity. When they perceive something to be wrong, they need to punish it… Ignore [your brother] and celebrate your relationship. Congratulations.”

The Rebuttal: The bulk of this answer is a Free to Be You and Me-type treatise, and while I agree 100% with its content, I’m not so sure it’s going to help the reader resolve any of his problems. Dear Gay Groom, tell your brother that he can’t come to the wedding celebration unless he behaves himself and keeps his mouth closed. Tell the rest of your family the same as well. Remind them that you’re not asking them to swap out morals, just to put aside differences for a few hours. Failing that, tell them you already asked Jesus, and he said it was totally cool.

The Source: Dr. Alex Benzer, Tao of Dating

The Dilemma: Having trouble being irresistible to men? Do you posses that certain quality that assures a man that Date #1 will never turn into Date #2, but don’t know what it is you’re doing wrong?

The Advice: There are five ways to make yourself “resistible” to men, according to Dr. Alex. Here they are, in his given order:

1. Being career-obsessed
2. Being a ball-buster
3. Being bossy
3. Being overly argumentative (Yes, that’s a second number three.)
5. Being über-competitive

All of these are “masculine” qualities. Emphasizing “feminine” qualities such as “receptive” and “sensual,” as well as showing your date that you’re good with kids, is the way to go.

The Rebuttal: You know what makes a man irresistible to me? Knowing how to count. After that, coloring inside the lines and using utensils. But “annoying” — which is the first word I’d use for all of the above listed qualities — knows no gender; sorry to bust your pseudo-scientific bubble. Not to mention that showing a ton of enthusiasm for children on a first date is a great way to scare away even the mildest of commitment-phobes.

I’m a sixty-seven-year-old woman, almost sixty-eight, who has been married four times — once widowed (with three kids in their forties who’ve turned out pretty well), divorced three times. I recently met someone online: forty-eight, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, twelve and fourteen. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to marry who would participate and enjoy this with him. He says he “craves and needs” this lifestyle, and from what he’s said so far, the boys have been trained from an early age to also live this lifestyle and would require that the woman he marries include them in all ways.

I’ve done some research and think I could be quite happy being a dominant. However, my concern is that he wants me to be sexual with the boys. He says that at home they practice familial nudity. He also wants me to take each one to a hotel on their respective birthdays (he doesn’t say at what age) and take their virginities. He has also suggested that, once we are living together, if I wake up horny I should go to one of the boys’ rooms and “grind my cunt into his face and fuck the boy.” I think this is excessive and could traumatize the boys. I don’t know if this type of extreme behavior is just fantasy for him or if he is serious.

If I like this man after meeting him, I would consider this lifestyle, but with boundaries where the boys are concerned. As the dominant, what I say goes, no questions asked (he has agreed to this in a recent IM), but I think we need to find a balance.

I’m interested in your thoughts on all of this. Thank you. — New To Cuckholdting

What do I think? I’m thinking — and hoping and praying — that this letter is complete bullshit. And I think I’m gonna go boil my laptop after writing this response. And I think I’m tempted to forward your e-mail on to the police. And I think I would do just that if I wasn’t convinced that this man with whom you’ve been corresponding — assuming you exist, NTC — is just another creepy pervert furiously beating off in front of a computer as he spins out his insanely creepy sexual fantasies for a gullible online audience of one.

But two details lead me to believe that there could actually be a four-times-married, thrice-divorced, once-widowed moral bankrupt out there receiving e-mails and IMs from a man who claims to be into “the cuckoldt lifestyle,” “familial nudity,” and the sexual abuse of his adolescent children: your age and your inability to spell “cuckold.” If a creep with child-rape fantasies wrote this letter, NTC, you wouldn’t be sixty-seven going on sixty-eight with reservations. You would be thirty-seven at the most with DD breasts, and you would’ve spelled cuckold correctly. (Unless… sigh… the creep was into intergenerational sex and lousy spellers on top of everything else.)

Now: if this man and his children exist, NTC, he’s abusing his children and they should be removed from his home immediately. He’s scum, NTC, as is any woman who would for a moment contemplate shacking up with this piece of shit. Because, again, what your Interwebs friend describes is not the “cuckoldt lifestyle,” it’s the rape and systematic sexual abuse of children. A man who is into cuckolding gets off on his wife having consensual sex with other adult men, not his children; a woman into cuckolding gets off on “cheating” on her husband with other adult men, not her minor stepchildren.

Once again for the record: I don’t think this guy is for real or that these kids exist. I think some creepy pervert is sitting in front of a computer furiously rubbing ’em out as he chats with you. Interacting with someone on the web who believes that he’s telling the truth—someone who believes that he’s wealthy, educated, and has two boys at home anxious to be sexually abused by a woman old enough to be their grandmother — turns him on. And so he lurks online until he lands someone gullible and morally bereft enough to buy in.

Okay! Let’s end with a note about standards and practices here at Savage Love: I typically change identifying details in a letter — exact ages, number of divorces, number of children — lest someone inadvertently out themselves to their family and friends. I didn’t do that in NTC’s case, because I’m praying to God that — if NTC exists — one of her children sees this letter and recognizes dear ol’ Mom. And if her kids are reading: hey, guys, it’s time to take Mom’s cars keys, credit cards, and computer away. Dementia has set in, or Mom’s been demented all along. Either way, she’s a danger to herself and others, and you might want to stage an intervention before the criminal-justice system does.

I am in desperate need. I have been dating a guy for two years. We’re both twenty-five, and we love each other a lot. He’s sexy as hell (half Asian, quarter Native, quarter black — he’s divine), we connect, he’s funny, upbeat, and honest. Unfortunately, we have a recurring fight (once or twice a month), and I wonder if we will ever resolve this issue. He likes the attention of other women. The fight goes like this: he will do something borderline inappropriate with some chick right in front of me (most recently, he had thirty consecutive drunk-posts on Facebook with some nineteen-year-old he met through his roommate), and I will get pissed and hurt. I approach him calmly and say that it feels disrespectful and I hope that one day we will come to an agreement on this issue. He swears that it is all in my head and that I work myself up over nothing. But he KNOWS it hurts my feelings, and my hurt is made worse because he is disregarding my feelings. He usually gets mad, says he “didn’t do anything wrong” and he “can’t talk to me anymore,” and then I won’t hear from him for a day or so.

I have friends telling me that this is a deal breaker and that I am being emotionally abused. I don’t know if I believe that — I think he just needs to work on boundaries. I just had a “come to Jesus” talk with the boy, and he still feels like he didn’t cross any lines and refuses to apologize. But to make me feel guilty, he said he will “never post anything on another girl’s Facebook page ever again.” That’s not what I wanted. Now my face hurts from crying, and I want someone sane to tell me which way is up. Whose side are you on? I would actually be happier if you told me that I was crazy and controlling, because altering my own attitude is a lot easier than trying to get through to him.

Pleeeeeease help. — Hurting In Oregon

Ah… a nice, normal problem to cleanse the palate after the shit sandwich that opens the column this week.

I’m not on anyone’s side in this dispute, HIO. You sound like an insecure, passive-aggressive guilt tripper, and the boyfriend sounds like an inconsiderate flirt. You’ve been having the same fight twice a month for two years. Enough already. If the sex, the connection, and his race-based divinity don’t compensate for the flirting, end this relationship. If they do, HIO, stay with him — but only if you can stop policing his interactions with other women and stop bitching about the flirting to him, to your friends, and to me.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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The movie: I think you know the story, but in this 1992 film rendition we have Sadie Frost as Lucy Westerna, the vamp’s tramp, and Winona Ryder as Mina, the innocent visitor to Drac’s castle who reminds him a little too much of his long-dead lover.

The scene: In this extended clip, you get Dracula as a wolf howling to the poon (forgive me), then getting busy with Sadie al fresco while an aghast Winona looks on. And don’t worry; we’re not advising anyone to actually bite into anyone else’s neck, but if you were hoping to give a special someone a little Halloween hickey, here’s how.

What you need:

• a willing neck
• pursed peckers
• good Hoover action

The mechanics: Some years ago, a writer on these very virtual pages said of hickeys:

Such a marker, such a brand, more symbolic and defiant even than a tattoo: a hickey says, I’ve been messing around and I’m not afraid to show it, not to mention that I’m also rather crass and probably in deep economic hardship and I’m not afraid to show that either. I remember in high school proud Camaro-drivers in the locker room describing to us, their captive audience of weenies, the necklaces of hickeys they had left on their loved ones the night before in the church parking lot. I remember seeing enormous, purplebrownorangecrimson splotches like phantasmagoric blood-sucking sea flowers grafted onto the necks of my P.E. mates. I heard tales of initials being spelled on asses, of hearts crudely sketched, of yellow and brick-colored roads leading from clavicle to cunny, left by the champing lips of rear-seat Romeos. And I thought, “This is romance.”

Obviously this writer was unaware that one of the joys of autumn is knowing you can leave a grody-ass hickey on your lover’s neck and she or he can cover it up with a season-appropriate turtleneck. Not much recompense for the snow and sleet, but it’s something.

For those of you who have yet to leave your marks, to plant a fleshly “You’re mine!” all you need to do is purse your lips into a little oval, press them to a bit of skin, and suck pretty hard for upwards of thirty seconds. Technically a hickey is made by breaking little capillaries below the skin’s surface, so depending on the spot you pick, it will be harder or easier. (The neck is especially easy.) Here are a few more things you’ll want to remember:

1) Make sure the recipient is willing. An unwelcome hickey can be embarrassing in the extreme. Marked for a week can easily lead to scarred for life.

2) If you’re going for the neck, stay close to the clavicle bones. Too high up on the neck and no turtleneck in the world can hide it.

3) Put the letters backward for mirror viewing. Sure it’s nice to leave your initials behind to scare off potential interlopers, but if you want to leave a message for your kiss-ee, remember that they’ll be seeing it in a mirror, so you’ve got to write the letters flipped and re-ordered back to front.

4) Try the nibble variant. Here a small amount of skin is clenched in the teeth in a gentle bite and then sucked. The bite adds a nice element to the conventional hickey, but beware of anything more than love nips. Chomps that break the skin hurt like hell!

Lesson we learn: It’s good to be a vampire, except for that whole eternal-life-missing-your-long-dead-beloved thing, as Gary Oldham’s character demonstrates. In reality, the softcore vampirism of hickies is a mixed blessing: pretty funny when they first happen, a little annoying when they don’t go away in a few days (not unlike a lot of dates I’ve had).

Honestly, I think the neck is about the last place you’d want to give or have a hickey; the chance for discovery is too great, while almost anywhere else on the body can remain a secret between the nibbler and taker. And, hey, if a little subcutaneous blood flow can help my partner know I care, then I’m all for it.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been in an open relationship for two-plus years. So far things have been great, though my boyfriend knows that, for a while now, I’ve had a baby crush on Ted, a mutual friend of ours. One night at a bar, I called Ted and got him to meet up, and then my boyfriend showed up. While I drunkenly and shamelessly flirted with Ted, my boyfriend maintained composure and hung out with our friends. At the end of the night, I left the bar with Ted and aggressively tried to get him to have sex with me. He obviously felt confused — my boyfriend is a good friend of his. I was very persistent. This is not entirely unheard of from me, but I can only think of about three times I’ve acted that way, ever. (Normally I don’t drink excessively, but I was on break from school and blowing off steam.) It was pretty embarrassing to have been so drunk and so insistent, but the sex was mind-blowing. The next morning we cuddled and kissed and I felt really glowy.

My boyfriend was hurt, but we got past it and he was okay with me continuing a relationship with Ted. For a number of reasons, Ted and I decided not to pursue anything further. But my crush on him has blown out of control and I don’t know how to deal. Ted’s an artist and his art is all over town (including my boyfriend’s bedroom wall!). It evokes a very strong response in me. Our lives are intertwined. He’s a central figure in my friend group, bartends at a bar I frequent, and is in a band with my best friend. I really like him, and I think he really likes me, but everything is so complex and confusing, especially because alcohol is involved about seventy-percent of the time we’re together. I don’t want to have to avoid him when I’m drinking for fear of making an ass of myself. What do I do? I’m obsessing, and I need to chill out. — Sticky Situation in Olympia

Dear Sticky Situation in Olympia,

Chill out? I think you need to do the opposite. I don’t know why you’re not more worried about (a) your drinking habits, and (b) the effect your infatuation with Ted the Sensitive Penis Artist could have on your relationship with your boyfriend.

Let’s talk about the booze first, Sticky Situation. I’m not here to accuse or call anyone an alcoholic. I do think you’re doing some minimizing, though:

• You cite “only” three instances in which you drank to the point of serious embarrassment and now you’re on your fourth.
• You take more risks when you drink. You’re not gobbling Ecstasy or setting shit on fire, but you become less afraid of upsetting your boyfriend and long-term fall out from neighborhood gossips.
• You’re reluctant to change your habits. You want to keep going to the same bar and keep drinking the same amount, despite the consequences. If bad things happened every time you ate mashed potatoes, would you keep on eating mashed potatoes? Why do we get so stubbornly inflexible when we’re faced with cutting down on a favorite mind-altering substance?

Again, I’m not saying you need to quit drinking. I’m sure you’re just having the boozy good times that a lot of kids have in college. I do think you need to be more realistic about your drinking and what’s going to happen when you crack that bottle. Why wouldn’t you avoid Ted while you’re drinking, or avoid drinking while you’re Tedding? Why couldn’t you simply change bars? It’ll suck at first but eventually you’ll find a new one that will be as good as the old.

Okay, on to Ted. Everything you’ve told me suggests this dalliance is a big fat No-No. You like him too much. You see him all the time. He’s friends with your boyfriend and your best friend. Any potential blow-ups would be nuclear. Are you prepared for the fall out? I fear a lonely, nuclear-winter future if that happens.

You and Ted made the right decision. Now stick to it. You want to increase your self-control and dampen your infatuation? Easy: drink less, avoid him. Spend more time with that hot, understanding boyfriend of yours, or find a new side dish. Console yourself with the knowledge that most art-boners (and music-boners, comedy-boners, etc.) wilt once you get to know the person behind them. Admiring someone’s work rarely equates with being compatible.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a newly out-of-the-closet young gay guy. Something very embarrassing happened the other weekend, and I’m not sure I handled it well. I met a guy (a really hot guy) at a bar. We went back to his place for a one-nighter. We started messing around, and I’d say we were at it for a good couple hours. The most he ever got was halfway hard, so I hinted that it was time to stop — but he pushed for us to continue. Finally, after dropping a million hints, I got up and went home. I was polite and didn’t criticize, but the next morning I got a text. It said “:(” and that was all! I didn’t know what to do, so I ignored it. I don’t think it’s my job to make him feel better. It’s only a one-night stand. Why so much drama? I’m no Lindsay Lohan, but I know this problem will come up again. It happens when you combine sex and bar-hopping. Did I do the right thing? Am I being a jerk? What should I do next time? — New at This

Dear New at This,

It sounds like you made the right move. Here’s a person who doesn’t pick up on emotional and social cues and uses punctuation marks to communicate. Make no mistake, anyone who reads my Facebook knows that I’m not wholesale against emoticons. But there’s a big difference between using an unhappy face in reference to a friend’s “I’m having a tough day!” status update, and using it to re-establish communication after a brutally awkward encounter. Had he included a few words like, “Yikes, that didn’t go so well. I’d love to show you what I’m like when I’m off the sauce,” it would have read so much better. A single, solitary emoticon is immature, like a kid scribbling a message in green crayon and getting his little brother to slip it under their parents’ bedroom door. It won’t get you a PS3 from mom and dad, and it won’t get you a relationship, either.

Of course, one of the hazards of being an advice columnist — or anyone who’s not omniscient, come to think of it — is that you only get half of the story. Maybe your “polite” read, to him, as distant and cold. Maybe he has ongoing erection problems and is growing more sensitive with each aborted launch. Had you stuck around to discuss it, perhaps you’d know. Had you spent the night, maybe he wouldn’t have felt so abandoned and dorky. Maybe you could have avoided the two-eggs-and-a-weird-text-message special the following morning.

But should you have spent the night, or at the very least stayed to talk it out? I’d say no. There are some things you can do — and every Good-Time Charlie (what my mom calls fun-loving types, which I much prefer to words like “skank” or “slut”) can do — to minimize hurt feelings. They include:

Being direct before. Saying “I know it’s early to say this, but I’m really not into relationships right now” is short, clear, and non-douchey. If you plan on leaving right after the act, tell the person in advance, before they’re naked and vulnerable.

Being direct during. If you do or don’t want to do something, say so. What do you have to feel shy about? Losing the respect of someone you’ve only known for a couple of hours?

Being direct after. Ignoring messages? Uncool. I know it’s hard to rebuff someone, and with a one-night stand it seems especially justifiable to avoid. Use one of the many widely available communication methods for cowards — text, email, etc. — and send him a one-sentence rejection. It’ll be off your plate and you’ll feel better about yourself after.

Readers, do any of you have any more advice for New at This? I’m especially interested in hearing from you gay folk. Are my one-night-stand suggestions too old-fashioned and hetero-centric, or just about right?