Dear Miss Information,

I’ve noticed that you’re pretty vehemently against extracurricular activities. I happen to be in a relationship with a hubby who is into being a cuckold. He even gets me ready for dates and vets potential partners. I was completely faithful for thirteen years (we’ve been married for eighteen) and probably wouldn’t have done anything like this without his prompting. I’ve had a couple of affairs, both of which were with married guys who didn’t tell their wives. In an ideal world, the wives would be cool with this but I haven’t found another couple where the wife wants the hubby to sleep around, swingers excluded. Hubby has the option to go out as well, but he doesn’t seem interested in taking it — he’s more interested in my adventures and supporting me in my “sexual athleticism.” What would you do in my situation? Have affairs knowing that my hubby is happy, or keep vows that he no longer wants? — Having Fun with Life’s Lemonade

Dear Having Fun,

I think you may have misunderstood me. The only extracurricular activities I disapprove of are mandatory fundraisers (”Hello, sir or ma’am. Would you like to buy an oversized novelty tin of popcorn?”) and the Young Republicans Club.

I’m all for whatever relationship arrangement works best for both partners. It’s screwing around behind someone’s back that I don’t like. So when you read my response to the husband who wants to see an escort because his sex life is boring or the girlfriend who hits the gay clubs because she can’t confess her pussy cravings to her boyfriend, I want you to keep that in mind. I may be a white girl from the Mitten State, but I’m not so square that I disapprove of all alternative lifestyles.

Keep having your affairs and cuckolding your husband. You’ll probably sound the preachy alarm again, but Miss Info would love it if you stuck to men with informed and willing partners. Games are more fun when all the players know they’re playing, whether it’s a gang bang or touch football (sometimes one and the same). If you’re having a hard time rustling up dates, you may want to try Cuckold Life (warning: really bad 1996-style design), Cuckold Place, or Craigslist. Are any of my readers into this? Where did you dig up your third-party stud?

Dear Miss Information,

So, the planets must be aligning or something because suddenly, out of nowhere, I’ve had a string of minor hookups with different girls.  All of them have expressed interest in dating, and I’m attracted to each of them, but this surplus of options is causing me angst.  I’m not built to be a player, and the thought of juggling all these girls makes me feel like I’m being disingenuous. I don’t want to hurt anyone or fuck them over.  At the same time I’m well aware that dating opportunities in New York often evaporate as quickly as they appear.  My friends say to pursue everything.  What does social protocol dictate, and how can I best navigate this lovely minefield? — Not Hugh Hefner

Dear Not Hugh Hefner,

Before you do anything, you first have to figure out what you want. A girlfriend? A casual lay? Several girlfriends? A wife? Along those same lines, figure out the reasoning behind it. Did you just end it with a long-term girlfriend and want to wait before you get serious again? Are you feeling a little pathetic pouring your heart out to your dog and want a real girlfriend to curl up on your lap while you watch 24?

Generally speaking, the more serious your relationship goals, the fewer girls you’ll want to be seeing at one time. I agree with your friends that you don’t have to winnow it down right away. Get to know these women a little better and have some fun. But be aware that most women (and men) who are looking for a steady commitment aren’t keen on being one of many. They may be cool with an open-ended arrangement early on, but eventually you’ll have to make a choice.

As for questions of etiquette and logistics, honesty is the only way to go. All these lovelies should know you’re not interested in dating anyone exclusively, preferably before the naked thing happens. In-person is best, but do it over the phone or via email if you have to. The most important thing is that you make the information known.

Expect varying reactions. Everyone has their own ideas of how dating should be conducted. If you do your best to be forthright and considerate with all parties involved, there shouldn’t be a problem. However, if one or more of the women share the same name, neighborhood or employer, forget everything I just said and run to another city.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m good friends with most of my exes. One is even my best friend. Here’s the problem: Every relationship I’m in follows this pattern: I fall head over heels for a guy, who seems into me but soon says he just wants to be friends. And it’s not an excuse — he really does want to be friends.  This switch can happen before or after anything physical happens. And while I’m happy to have the guy friends I already have, I don’t really need any more — which makes me reluctant to date at all. So how do I get around that “switch” moment? I want a boyfriend, dammit, not more boy-friends. — I Have Enough Friends

Dear I Have Enough Friends,

Either you’re going after guys who aren’t genuinely interested in you or your dating skills are lacking. Those are the only two explanations that I can think of. Let’s address the former first and the latter last, after which I will congratulate myself on having finally mastered the correct meaning of these terms after years of struggling with the dictionary.

When a guy’s not interested, I Have Enough Friends, he’ll usually let you know. Long lags between phone calls, lame emails that don’t really say anything, unreturned texts and infrequent, unpredictable communications, that pesky “girlfriend” person who keeps showing up — these are all signs. Because you’re head over heels, you will choose to ignore these signs and see only that Snookums Wookums Pandaface is responding to your advances. This creates a relationship that’s unstable and one-sided. You wind up as Velma when you want to be Daphne.

The easiest way to prevent this switch from playing out? Stop calling. Two things will happen: 1. He’ll realize you’re a hot commodity and up the wooing OR 2. He’ll pleasantly vanish from your life. No uncomfortable conversation on why you have no interest in watching him play Wii with his boys. Win-win, baby.

On to your dating chops. First instinct is that you’re coming off too aggressive. I don’t want to go with that theory because it’s based on very limited information, and it’s bullshit how girls are always being told they’re too aggressive. (”What do you mean you called him? Didn’t you see what they said on Tyra? How dare you!” It’s like the 1950’s all over again.)

Since you’re such good friends with your exes, why not lube ‘em up with alcohol and talk to them one-on-one. See what you can glean from them regarding the way you act on dates. What was it about you that they liked or disliked? How did they feel in the beginning, middle and end of the relationship? What was the turning point (a particular date, conversation, etc.) that led them to believe you two were better off in a state of not-fucking? I’m sure some of your pals will give softball answers or evade the questions, but there may be a few pieces of viable info you can use to prevent the next switch from happening.

Good luck, and remember that one advantage of guy friends is that they hang out with other guys. A smart hussy will work it from all the angles.

Kate, 21

What has being a D&D player taught you about dating?
If you’re going to date friends, be willing to deal with the consequences. My Game Master and best friend recently divorced — killing three long-term games in the process. On the other hand, dating your dice-mates  guarantees that when you joke about the enhancement bonus of your morning coffee, you won’t just get a blank look. Plus, they’ll understand why you can’t go out on Friday night — your party needs you!

On the positive side, being a D&D player has made me understand the importance of respect in relationships, even about the little things. If my partner has disdain for my hobbies, things aren’t going to last. There’s very little dignity in rolling dice and slaying dragons, but it’s what I like to do. So when someone I like mentions that they scrapbook, I try to respect that. And not snicker. Too much.

What’s the best way to pick up a D&D player?
If you’re a geek and you see a girl geek browsing the comic books and players’ manuals, don’t make assumptions. Nothing irritates me more than having someone tell me what I’m holding. I know what I’m holding. Aside from the fact that I came in here specifically looking for it, I CAN READ. Instead, try a trivia tidbit or a commentary on the quality/author/whatever. Your goal is to sound interested, not condescending. For the non-geek, we’re really not that strange and different, but we tend to be a little defensive. Be willing to listen, stumble through some conversation you don’t have the lingo for. Don’t mock. Unless your romantic candidate starts talking about their characters in detail. No one finds that interesting. Really. Get out while you still can.

My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We’ve been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?
If we’re talking about the intersection of D&D and sex, it is my firm opinion that that kind of role-playing has no place in the bedroom. Leave Arakos the Dragonslayer at the table. Also, dice in bed would probably be a bit like walking on legos; those d4s are basically caltrops. On the other hand, if you leave the DM’s Guide on the shelf and break out the skimpy costumes, you could be in for a good time. If you play D&D, you have great experience for getting in character — but you can’t rely on rolling a twenty for a good performance. Sorry. You have to do the work yourself.

I’m sort of embarrassed to have my parents meet my current girlfriend. She’s very artistic, loud, and doesn’t censor herself. I’m afraid it will rub my conservative parents the wrong way. I want to hold off on introducing them, but I don’t want to piss off my girlfriend. What should I do?
Warn your parents that Charisma is your girlfriend’s dump stat. Tell them she can come on strong, but that she’s important to you. Ask them to be a little understanding. And talk to your girlfriend — tell her that while you enjoy her no-holds-barred style of conversation, your parents might be shocked, so could you work together to craft a great first impression? I’m assuming you don’t want her to change — you just don’t want her to scare off your parents, or vice-versa. Don’t be demeaning to either party. You want to smooth out the introduction, not set them up to be arch-nemeses.

When my boyfriend gets drunk, he likes to flirt — with other men. But he’s straight the rest of time. What’s going on?
Look up the Kinsey scale. A lot of people exist outside of easy categories, instead residing somewhere on a spectrum between straight and gay. Same-sex attraction doesn’t preclude heterosexual attraction, and it doesn’t mean your boyfriend will ever act on it. Especially if it’s only cropping up when he’s drunk, he probably has slight attraction but is “mostly straight.” Who you flirt with when you’re drunk doesn’t necessarily correlate to who you want to sleep with. Hell, I’d probably flirt with a houseplant, given enough tequila.

I have a cute friend who gets really affectionate when drunk. I wouldn’t turn her down, but I’m not sure how she feels about me. Should I bring it up or just let the moment happen?
Don’t let it “just happen” while both of you are drunk. If she’s impaired, you can’t be certain it’s genuine and not just a product of intoxication. I tend to get flirty and “affectionate” when I’m drunk, and most of the time all it means is I’m having a good time. You don’t want to end up being a morning-after regret. Make a move while you’re both sober — something wildly dramatic like, “Do you want to go out on a date sometime?” It’s classic.

My boyfriend suggested we try watching porn while having sex. It was fun at first, but now he watches it every time we’re together. I know guys like porn but he’s too into it.  How do I bring this up without sounding like a prude?
It’s not prudish to want to be the center of attention when your boyfriend is having sex with you. Otherwise you’re just a fancy blow-up doll. Inspiration is one thing. Fixation is another. Remind your boyfriend that the porn isn’t supposed to be the point. If it’s fun sometimes, but not always, make that clear — your desires are as important as his. If he makes a stink, hand him some lube and go read a book. Obviously your involvement is superfluous. See how long he holds out.

The Source: Mrs. Web, Dear Mrs. Web

The Dilemma: “I am eighteen and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him. We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won’t he speak to me, let alone date me?”

The Advice: “He wanted sex. You gave it to him. He evidently does not want to continue the relationship. He is probably embarrassed. Being somebody’s tissue is not a good foundation to develop a relationship with any depth… like a second date.”

The Rebuttal: If having sex with someone makes you a tissue, then what do you call someone who slut-shames an eighteen-year-old girl for sleeping with someone she’s known practically her entire life? I’m going to go with toilet paper. The cheap kind that comes 5,000 sheets to a roll. Here’s hoping your advice-columnist tenure runs out quicker.

The Source: The Mercury News, Miss Manners

The Dilemma: “My partner doesn’t like that I now boycott straight marriages… I have said that until I see straight folks actively support our right to marry, I’m certainly not going to add my support… It’s not about spite — it’s about fairness, equality and wanting the same opportunity, and too many of them don’t get it. Until they do and start contacting their government officials, nothing will change. Why shouldn’t I boycott straight marriages?”

The Advice: “Because you are insulting people who presumably care about you (or they wouldn’t be inviting you to their weddings) by declaring that you grudge them the happiness that you want for yourself… Miss Manners recommends being a gracious guest, and then adding, when you praise the wedding on a later occasion, ‘My dream is to be able some day to invite you to my wedding here.’”

The Rebuttal: Only about a quarter of the people who invite you to their wedding care deeply enough to be offended. The other three-quarters are split between likes-you-but-is-happy-to-pare-down-the-guest-list and fine-by-me-just-send-us-the-check-and/or-item-from-Williams-Sonoma. If it’s a close friend or an immediate family member, just go. Match whatever you spent on the wedding gift with a donation to a same-sex marriage cause. If it’s an acquaintance or distant family member, send your regrets, minus the editorial. In either case, remember that you shouldn’t be waiting for an external event such as a wedding to solicit support. Activism is all year long.

The Source: Art Malov, eHow.com

The Dilemma: Embarrassment reigns at the Greater Shiawassee Rotary Club pancake breakfast when it becomes clear that you’re the only member who has never dated a supermodel.

The Advice: “If you have no skills, you’re not going to meet a supermodel. Or a model. Or anybody who you find attractive. Don’t think, ‘I gotta date a supermodel.’ Start dating. Don’t wait for the supermodel to crash into your world. Start dating, and then you might meet a supermodel.”

The Rebuttal: Right, and if you want a unicorn, you’ve got to know how to ride a pony. If you want a million dollars, you’ve got to practice on quarters. If you want solid courtship advice, it’s best to ask someone who can button his shirt correctly and doesn’t have to furrow his brow in concentration when writing complex words like “start” and “dating” on a whiteboard.

The Source: Sex Advice with Sexual Ryan, By Travis Keller, Buddyhead

The Dilemma: “I go to a lot of concerts and in the crowd a few guys always try to feel me up. How do I stop them from groping me? I just want to watch the show I paid to see.”

The Advice: “If you’re getting groped at concerts, that means you’re crowd surfing or you’re at some of the most meathead shows of all time because I can’t imagine you, a female, standing there enjoying the band, and a dude comes up and grabs your tits. Maybe this happens, but it seems more like you’re crowd surfing.”

The Rebuttal: Sexual Ryan, do you have tits? No? Then shut the fuck up. Doubting someone’s story because you “can’t imagine” it makes you about as intelligent as those who spend all day engaged in mock agricultural pursuits and faux mafia wars on Facebook. Scumbag knows no musical preference. Four women filed rape charges at what was supposed to be the second incarnation of Woodstock, after all.

I am a happily married, happily nonmonogamous male. We are not wild swinger types. For us it’s more about the fact that monogamy does not work than about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd situation a few times now, and again last night, where I’ll be flirting with a potential fling and she knows I’m married and she’s very interested. But when she finds out my marriage is nonmonogamous, she suddenly backs out. Case in point, a coworker: we have been flirting since I started my new job a few months ago. Today she asked me what my wife would do if she found out I was sneaking around on her. Good time to make a full disclosure! But when I told her my situation, that was the end of our flirtation.

Any idea why women find the idea of cheating with me okay, but once they find out I have a free go of things, they walk? — No Figuring Women

This woman didn’t find the idea of cheating with you “okay,” NFW, she wanted to fuck you because you’re married and presumably monogamous. Try to look at it from her perspective: when she thought you were willing to cheat on your wife to be with her, NFW, that meant you found her so attractive, so utterly irresistible, that you would break your marriage vows and risk everything to get into her pants. Sleeping with her with your wife’s permission? Meh, where’s the ego boost in that?

I am a fortyish married straight woman living in New York. I have been happily married in a monogamous relationship for eleven years. My husband and I met when we were in our early twenties. After listening to all of the SavageLovecasts together, we started to talk about the idea of “some degree of openness,” as you put it.

In the past year, I have had a crush on a coworker. My husband is okay with me having something on the side with this coworker. This coworker is single (last I heard) and seventeen years younger (yikes!), and he knows I am married. We had a great working relationship while we were assigned to a project together, but now he’s in another department. My question is, how to go from here? After having a few good talks with my husband, I am excited about this idea and terrified. I’m having a private lunch with my coworker soon. This is fine with my husband. What can you tell me to calm me the hell down and not be so stressed? After being conditioned my whole life that monogamy is the only way to go, I am having a hard time shifting! — Newly Open Couple Lacks Understanding & Education

Have that lunch, and tell your coworker/crush that you and the husband are just beginning to explore the idea of openness. For all you know now, your much-younger coworker may not be interested in being your piece on the side. If it turns out that he is interested, take things very, very slowly and keep your husband fully informed. But even if I could relieve you of your stress and anxiety with a few words, NOCLUE, I wouldn’t. You should be anxious and stressed out; it’s appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious about your husband’s feelings. If this works out — for you, for your coworker, for your husband — it will be in large part thanks to the stress, NOCLUE, not despite it. Enjoy.

I am in a strange situation. I work in the corporate sector in marketing and sales. It is a high-stress, fast-paced job, and everyone has a short fuse. I have a coworker who is losing business to a competitor who happens to be gay. In her fits of anger, she keeps calling him a faggot. I hate it. The thing is, I am not gay. And if anyone in our office is, they are in the closet. She has used the word in front of other coworkers and even our boss, and no one seems to be bothered.

I am torn about what I should do. I am black, and if she was using the word “nigger,” I would call her on it and raise issue with our HR department. Can I file a complaint on behalf of a group I do not belong to? If she found out I complained, she would see it as a threat to her own job, which could lead to a decidedly hostile workplace. But if it was a racial slur, I would not let that deter me. I want to do the right thing. How would you handle the situation? — Not My Problem?

If someone at my office were tossing the word “nigger” around, NMP, I would lodge a complaint. I would resent the assumption on my coworker’s part that since I’m white she can use racist speech in my presence, because, hey, all us white people are racist POS, right? And I would complain because a workplace that tolerates racist remarks is a workplace that tolerates homophobic remarks. If people are using “nigger” when there aren’t any black people in the room, they’re doubtless using “faggot” when there aren’t any gay people in the room. And vice versa. Have a word with HR.

I have a new coworker, a young man who is gay and quite effeminate. He’s slim, wears makeup, has boyish/feminine features, and has done some modeling work as a woman. He said in a lunchroom discussion today that he prefers to wear women’s clothes. He said he had worn women’s clothes at a previous workplace, and no one had been offended. I suggested he talk to HR to protect his job before coming to work dressed in women’s clothing. Good advice or should I just mind my own business? One coworker suggested that he work up to it, while another said he should just do it and let the chips fall where they may. The question of what restroom he should use when dressed as a woman came up. I’m not one-hundred-percent comfortable sharing the ladies’ room with him. Though I am certain most of the men won’t be comfortable sharing the men’s room with him either.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle situations where I might find myself in the same restroom as my newest coworker? — She Knows It’s Really Trivial

If your coworker identifies as female, she should use the women’s room. If he identifies as male, he should use the men’s room. And seeing as he’s using the men’s room now — despite his wearing makeup and being openly gay — I don’t see how the addition of a dress should change things for his male coworkers. And from the way you describe that lunchroom conversation, SKIRT, it sounds like your effeminate new coworker has at least some support at work — but yes, he should have a talk with HR.

As for “handl[ing] situations” where you find yourself in the same restroom with your newest coworker, SKIRT, unless you routinely offer to zip up your coworkers or wipe their asses for them, I don’t see how his presence — or his attire or the particular brand of genitalia tucked into his panties — really impacts you at all.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net

The movie: In this famously sappy — but at times quite moving — romance, Julia Roberts plays the least-convincing prostitute in cinematic history (she looks like a Yale student/runway model dressed up for Halloween). Small surprise then, that wealthy businessman Richard Gere buys her some decent threads, then falls for her. Treacle, yes, but done rather well.

The scene: Gere is sleeping when the radiant Roberts comes from the bathroom in a nightie and wakes him up with just the right amount of delicacy. He proceeds to show his appreciation in the best manner possible.

What you need:
• a lover deep in slumber

The mechanics: Just this morning I went to wake my beloved. She was lying on her side, back to me, with ten minutes to go before her alarm went off. I gently slid my hand down her arm, careful not to wake her — yet upon my softer-than-dew touch, she recoiled as if I’d shocked her with a car battery.

Obviously, that’s not what you’re looking for. The sad fact is, you never really know when someone is deep in REM and whether your gentle touches will be welcome — or cause them to think that a burglar’s in the house and getting entirely too friendly. That said, here are a few tips for bringing your lover out of Morpheus’ arms and into your own:

• Give the tiniest touch-test to see their unconscious response. The lightest of contact — like Julia Robert’s little kissed-finger-to-the-lips — will often have an effect on the sleeper, and their reaction can let you know whether it’s a green, yellow, or red light. If he or she moans pleasurably in response, that’s obviously good; if your bedmate jumps back in terror (like my sweetie did this morning), it’s clearly not the right time.

• Start slowly and let things build as the other person starts to wake up. You’re obviously the one who’s awake, and they’re not, so don’t do so much until the other person starts to get their bearings. Waking up can be disorienting — and clearly much more so if someone is trying to make out with you.

• Get advance permission before you initiate sex with a sleeping person. This one is vital. In my experience, there are women who like to be woken up being made love to, but there are others that would think it a kind of rape — and obviously you’d better know in advance! Make sure you talk about it before you even consider doing it.

Lesson we learn: Assuming that the timing’s right, waking up to a lover’s touch can be excellent. But if you try and are rebuffed, remember that your partner is either still asleep or at least very tired. They’re not at their best and might not be ready for affection — or any interaction at all — before their morning coffee. (I have an ex who needed to smoke two cigarettes before you could even talk to her.) And above all, ask first if your lover likes to be awakened or not — and how. Once you know what he or she likes, you’ll really be able to start their day right.

Click here to read — and learn — more in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database.

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I swear I am a grown-up! I have a great full-time job and am getting my masters; I live with my boyfriend and we have a pet; I know how to cook and balance my checkbook. However, I have a terrible habit from childhood that I just can’t kick: I suck my fingers. Whenever I’m sleepy or bored, two fingers from my left hand find themselves in my mouth and I don’t know how to stop. It’s totally embarrassing and makes my fingers pruney. What can I do? — Orally Fixated

Dear Orally Fixated,

Excuse me, I’ve got to get this out of my system.

BOYFRIEND’S PENIS-IN-MOUTH JOKE! BOYFRIEND’S PENIS-IN-MOUTH JOKE!

You may be a grown-up, but I’m still working on not giggling every time I pass a dog pooping on the sidewalk. The expressions they make are priceless.

I have to ask: other than pruney fingers and embarrassment, why is this a problem? You’re still able to work full-time, go to grad school, and maintain a functional relationship. You may feel sheepish, but it’s not so devastating that it’s keeping you housebound. Who cares if your fingers are a little wrinkled? You’re going to get old, they’re going to get wrinkled anyway. Were you planning on being a hand model? Unless your teeth are being pushed in different directions or your boyfriend is threatening to leave you, consider whether you’re making a big deal out of nada.

Why? Because finger-sucking is just a coping mechanism. A way of self-soothing that’s usually learned as a child. Over time, most people will drop the habit, along with their pacifiers, teddy bears, security blankets, and replace them with more adult curatives, like cigarettes, anti-depressants, and alcohol. It’s funny how we deem people who knowingly inhale carcinogens as sane, if not a little stupid, yet we see an adult with a silly-looking but non-toxic appendage in their mouth and assume they’ve got epic psychological problems. Then again, it doesn’t help your cause when you’ve got people like Amy Winehouse as your spokeswoman.

Drinking, smoking, foot tapping, knuckle-cracking. Everybody’s got something, Orally Fixated. Especially people who are juggling a full-time job and grad school. Be glad you’re not pounding Ritalin or inhaling Domino’s Bread Bowls. If you want to stop, do some research. You could try traditional treatments (therapy, medication), alternative treatments (acupuncture, hypnosis) and a myriad other suggestions and bits of folk wisdom — everything from bitter-tasting sprays and bandages to plastic contraptions that look like they belong on injured tennis pros.

Whatever method you choose or advice you follow, remember to trust yourself. After nine years on the nic sticks, I quit smoking with the intention of having a cigarette if I ever really, really wanted it. There were people who told me I’d never be able to sustain that. One cigarette would trigger a backslide and it’d all be over. I might as well commit to cold turkey or not give it a go. It’s been over a decade and I’m still at my rate of one or two a year. Knowing I can do something makes me want it less. It’s not for everyone, but it’s right for me. Fuck the haters, find what works, and keep doing it.

Readers, do any of you still suck your fingers or thumbs? How did you quit (or come to accept) a habit you were trying to stop?

Dear Miss Information,

I’m twenty-six and have recently re-entered the world of monogamous dating after two years of moderately enjoyable single life. One of the reasons why I resisted dating again was due to a spectacularly bad breakup involving infidelity on her end. That experience, combined with some family and self-image issues, kept me in a safe, insulated shell while I nursed my wounds. I’m in a much better place now. That said, when I started dating my current girlfriend, I didn’t want to pass up the chance to capitalize on our chemistry.

My question is about communication and openness. I’m very aware of my trust issues and my need for lots of attention and approval, most of which stem from a turbulent family life. I’m addressing and handling them through therapy and lots of study on the subject (I’m a textbook co-dependent son of an alcoholic mother). But I’m noticing times in which these issues creep into my current relationship. I’m all for communication in a relationship; however, I’m wary of scaring her away.

My friends have advised me that emotional honesty is a great sign of a healthy relationship, and if I address the situation candidly, she’s less likely to react negatively when or if situations arise. They say she may even be genuinely touched that I shared myself with her. I’m somewhat skeptical — we’re happy so far, and I don’t want her to think of me as an emotional burden. What do you think? — Faltering Comeback

Dear Faltering Comeback,

Sharing emotions does not make you an emotional burden. It’s how you share those emotions that sets the tone of the relationship, whether it’s a make-or-break status talk or a casual one-off on the way to the grocery store.

You may be wary about baring your inner soul, but my guess is she’s already familiar with your exposed psyche. If it’s not nude, it’s at least semi-nude. We underestimate the ability of others to read our moods while simultaneously believing we’re better at masking them than we actually are. You get so focused on your own internal monologue that it drowns out the verbal and non-verbal communications you’re giving to those around you.

As the adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), this is amplified even further. Classic ACOA lit, such as this book (which you should get, despite the atrocious cover) by Janet Woititz, tells us that ACOAs tend to:

1.    Take themselves way too seriously
2.    Assume an unnecessary amount of responsibility for other people’s feelings
3.    Gain approval by morphing into whatever they believe will please those around them

Your question speaks to all of the above. Here’s how: you went through a bad breakup. Instead of taking the easy route and jumping into another serious relationship, you hung back and took some time off. You enrolled in therapy and started working on your issues. A lot of people would go for a month or two, then drop out. Not you. You stuck with it, and are continuing to apply those insights (i.e., “I’m noticing times in which these issues creep into my current relationship”) and learn about yourself.

You’re a friggin’ hero, Faltering Comeback, and far more evolved than a lot of daters out there. Your biggest fault is that you believe having faults makes you unique and special. (See #1). Furthermore, you’re worried that, by having faults, you’re somehow inflicting harm on your girlfriend. (See also #2). Finally, you assume that you’re going to be rejected for — holy shit how DARE you — having emotions. So instead you hold back and act like Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky because that’s what you think your girlfriend wants. (I’ll take #3, Peter, for the block).

Listen to your friends. Be more open with your girlfriend. Don’t speak in therapy terms. Use your own voice, be as real as you can, and do it in spurts. I can’t tell from your letter whether there’s any heavy-duty abuse in your past, but if there is, then I would proceed with even more caution. People react in all kinds of ways to that, including disbelief and denial. Work out a plan with your therapist on what you’re going to share and how, and prepare yourself for the best and the worst.

The amount of time you’ve been together is the other variable. Are we talking weeks? A couple of months? A year? The shorter the duration, the less you should share. And it’s really for your own benefit: protecting your progress takes a bigger priority over “scaring” anyone off.

Hey guys, have any of you grown up with an alcoholic parent or guardian? How has that affected your relationships now?

twihard -noun. 1. Obsessed fan of the gripping vampire love story/adventure/thriller saga, Twilight. [urbandictionary.com]

Jeff, 23

I’ve been on a few dates with this smart, funny and totally cute girl. Each time, she’s ended up wasted. Last night, we split two bottles of wine at dinner, then she picked up a six-pack on the way home. I don’t want to preach, but I’d also like for us to have breakfast in bed when she’s not nursing a hangover. How can I talk to her without coming off like an asshole?
If there’s anything a Twilight fan can be sympathetic to, it’s certainly the thirst. Unfortunately, such a thirst for alcohol is usually unattractive. Try going on the wrongfully dreaded day-date next time, something physical like rock climbing or kayaking. Get her blood pumping and see if she can handle interaction without dousing her brain in wine. If not, it might be best to stay away and let her figure out some stuff.

What’s the best way to ask my boyfriend to use my vibrator in bed?
Bringing toys into the bedroom is a great way to spice up a monotonous sex life, but almost always awkward to initiate. You don’t want to come off as a sex freak or like you’re unsatisfied or anything. Just explain the benefits and pick up a toy he won’t be able to let go of. Girls don’t have all the plastic fun these days. Advice: fangs are cheap, sexy, and good for a scare or too. Don’t be afraid to get vampy.

Sex with my boyfriend is awesome, but he comes too fast. He says it’s because I turn him on so much he can’t help it. I love to think that’s true, but wish things could last a little longer. How do I slow him down without turning him off?
Think of this more like a challenge then a curse. Holding him on the edge is a difficult but highly rewarding task that should be fun for the both of you. The key here is to be vocal, making sure he expresses out loud where he’s at. Knowing that, you should be able to pause anything that’ll finish him off.

My girlfriend is demanding that I trim my pubic hair. I think it’s unfair, since I think she’s sexy no matter what she does down there. She claims that it’s not an option for her to stop trimming, since society holds women to different standards. I agree, but what does that have to do with my pubes? Who’s right?
Pubes, like most aspects of a relationship, are about compromise. Taking a few extra minutes in the shower to make things look the way she likes isn’t really a big deal, and it’s an intimate way to show you care enough to please her. This is a simple, direct, and low-cost way to earn points with the lady. You should be jumping at the chance!

My new girlfriend gets a little rough in the bedroom. The other day she bit my shoulder — hard! It was more disturbing than hot, but I love how worked up she gets. How can I tell her not to draw blood, without sounding like a wimp?
Everyone needs a good bite once in a while, but for most of us, there’s definitely a pain threshold we’d rather not cross. I always find a simple, earnest “Ow!” usually breaks the mood enough to get your point across without stopping the momentum. Or, she could be a vampire. A little blood isn’t such a bad price to pay in return for eternal awesomeness.

My roommate’s crazy about her new boyfriend, which isn’t a problem except that (a) the walls in our apartment are very thin and (b) she has loud, vocal sex in the morning. I’m all for her new relationship, especially since she’s shy, but I’d like to have my coffee without their backing vocals. How can I say something without creating an awkward situation?
Good for your roomate! Especially since she’s shy. If she were waking you up consistently with these antics, I’d say a conversation were in order, but this is the kind of situation iPods were made for. Let your roommate fuck in glory. Just put on some Magnetic Fields, and start making plans to out-scream her with your own overnight guest.

The Source: Dear Margo, The Boston Globe

The Dilemma: “[My husband] has been an alcoholic since he was fourteen. When he decided to quit drinking, he wanted to go out ‘with a bang.’… He wanted to go to a strip club and have an intense version of a lap dance…I wasn’t at all interested in participating, so we set the ground rules of three things he could do …They ended up doing everything a couple can do. He is hugely sorry and doesn’t want anything more to do with strip clubs, porn, or being with anyone else. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate him telling me what happened. On the other hand, I feel I am falling apart. I can’t stop crying, can’t stop visualizing…Do you have any advice for me?”

The Advice: “Your guy certainly didn’t keep the ‘reward’ bargain, but then again, that was almost predictable. The ‘visualization’ problem is the downside of confessing, though in this situation, I think your husband did the right thing by telling you. Because this is complicated by your promise, and then your permission for ‘three things,’ I suggest you focus on the fact that he has stopped drinking. Years with an alcoholic husband have to be worse than, well, four things. Concentrate on his sobriety, and with time, the hurt will go away.

The Rebuttal: I think you’re treating this a little too lightly, Margo. Yes, the wife should have known better than to agree to this set-up, but a deal’s a deal. How’s he supposed to stay sober for the rest of his life if he can’t control his behavior for one evening? I think the missus needs to hit up Al-Anon while her husband gets to 12-Stepping. Using a phrase like “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate” to describe her reaction to his sordid confession reeks of a deep codependency.

The Source: Jessica Simpson, quoted by Paul Chi, People

The Dilemma: Jessica Simpson’s already tried to find love via mellow rock stars and NFL quarterbacks. What’s next? People suggests she try something new: online dating.

The Advice: “While the now-single Jessica Simpson may have had her fair share of heartache, don’t count her out when it comes to searching for Mr. Right on the Internet…Whether it’s building a relationship by emailing, chatting online or utilizing dating networks, the singer, 29, says she has no problems with finding romance and long-term friendships with the click of a computer mouse. ‘I mean, anybody who can find love online, so be it,’ says Simpson. As for getting her own feet wet in the online dating pool, she says, ‘Maybe. Who knows?’”

The Rebuttal: Jessica, I love you, even though there have been several times I’ve almost been tricked into buying your shoes at major retail outlets. (What? They’re cute.) However, I must put my non-pleather pump-clad foot down and stop what will undoubtedly be another in a series of bad moves. How are you going to fill out a dating profile when the public already knows everything about you? How can you make connections in a medium where it’s already difficult to make connections when people see you as a novelty or a number on a scale rather than a human?

The Source: Dr. Victoria Lukats, Independent.ie

The Dilemma: “I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m confused as to how to approach a situation with this guy I work with… He has been in a relationship with another woman for three years though, so nothing has ever happened between the two of us except for the odd close call when we are drunk. He has recently broken up with her though… Is there an unspoken time limit before you can hit on a guy after a break-up?”

The Advice: “I’m making the assumption here that it’s a relationship you’re looking for with this man — not just a quick fling or a series of one-night stands. If it’s the latter, then you needn’t worry about waiting — I’m sure he’ll gladly reciprocate.”

The Rebuttal: Vicky conveniently leaves out Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Ending #2, which is: you sleep with Coworker on the pretext of a one-night stand. Wracked with insecurity, vulnerability, and all those other loaded -ity’s that come from being fresh out of a relationship, Coworker morphs into Clingy the Sad Clown. Now you have to rely on a combination of paid informants and a GPS tracking system every time you want to use the office bathroom. Never make assumptions, especially when there’s a paycheck involved. Have an expectations-setting talk first, sex after.

The Source: Doc Love, Ask Men

The Dilemma: “About six-and-a-half weeks ago I met Teena, who I seemed to instantly click with…I got Teena’s number, but it turned out, unfortunately, that right at that time I learned that I had to leave town on business for five weeks. I tried to call Teena the next day. I know this was too much too soon, but I thought it would be better than waiting five weeks before calling her and telling her that I’d been called out of town. Anyway, I got no answer, which was probably just as well because I broke the rules of ‘The System.’ …It’s been six-and-half-weeks now…Is it too late to call Teena for a date?”

The Advice: “You never call a woman the very next day… Think about this: if the babe has any real interest in you, that month-long waiting period will make her crazy… And it will show her that you can function in the world like a self-confident, self-sufficient man without running to the phone and calling her at the first opportunity… That said, even though all this time has passed, you have to call Teena. Just ring her up and act like nothing happened and hope that she remembers you… Remember, guys: you have to learn to think on your feet.”

The Rebuttal: Think on your feet, guys. By following “The System” — an elaborate set of rules, scripts, and instructions — yours for only ninety-nine dollars and a money-back guarantee! Riiiight. Assuming you called once and left a quasi-normal message, you did the right thing. Teena didn’t call because she wasn’t attracted to you or was not available to date you, for whatever reason. She probably gave you her number out of politeness and regretted it the next morning. The problem with elaborate gambits like “The System” is that, while you may gather a lot of phone numbers, few of the people giving them out are sincere.

I am a thirty-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed of myself because it seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed.

My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively dominant personality, but I’m a bit submissive around him in order to keep the peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations. So I am wondering: is this new fetish springing from my frustration at being dominated by the man in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities as I get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem? Should I discuss this at all with my husband? — Turning The Tables

The emotional dynamics in your marriage — he won’t tolerate disagreement in “certain situations,” you bite your tongue to avoid conflict — sound a hell of a lot more perverse and disturbed to me than your growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in bondage and chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as sexy as it is common, TTT, and your kinks don’t require his constant submission, e.g., he’s not tied up once you untie him, his dick isn’t locked up once you unlock it. His inability to “tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” on the other hand, requires your constant submission.

No relationship lasts unless both partners are willing to bite their tongues from time to time in the interests of keeping the peace. But when someone says her husband “will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” that worries me. Maybe the list of situations in which your husband won’t tolerate disagreement is relatively short now, TTT, and maybe it’s something you can live with. But if your husband realizes that he can successfully control you with this anger, the list is likely to grow. Be careful.

On to your fetish: it sounds like you were always turned on by the idea of controlling a man; you write that you’ve become “more aware” of this fetish, which leads me to believe that you’ve had some awareness all along. Why is it coming to the forefront now? It could have something to do with hitting your sexual peak, which women do around thirty, and it could be because your kinks go so strongly against the grain of the established emotional dynamics of your marriage.

I would encourage you to discuss your kinks with your husband. They’re not anything out of the ordinary (or the extraordinary, I should say), and lots of dominant dick swingers — guys like your husband — secretly fantasize about submission. The cliché about the high-powered CEO who goes crawling to a professional dominant to get his ass beaten is a cliché because it’s frequently true. Your husband could be one of those guys — but you’ll never know until you ask.

I won’t bore you with the story of my nineteen years in a sexless marriage. God knows that must be one of the most common complaints you get, and you’ve given plenty of good advice on the topic, some of which I’ll be taking any minute now to keep me from blowing my head off. What I want to know is, am I…is everyone entitled to an active sex life? — He Only Really Needs Your Okay

I don’t need the whole story, HORNYO, but you could’ve bored me with a few relevant details. For instance, has your marriage been sexless for all nineteen years of its existence? Or did your sex life collapse at some point during those nineteen years? Did the sex end a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Fifteen?

But to answer your question: no one is entitled to an active sex life. We are all entitled to freedom of sexual expression — consensual sexual expression — but to express your sexuality with others, you have to find or marry or rent a willing sex partner. And while each has the right to seek sexual fulfillment,* HORNYO, sadly not all who seek shall find. Some folks are unlucky or unfuckable or wind up trapped in marriages that always were or have become sexless — which is where compassionate, understanding sex workers and/or the Ashley Madison Agency come in handy.

Back to your marriage: If you were doing something wrong, HORNYO, if you destroyed your wife’s attraction to you through neglect (or something worse), then you are obligated to make a good-faith effort to undo the damage and, perhaps, restore the sexual aspect of your marriage. But if the wife cut you off because she simply isn’t interested in sex anymore — or if she never was interested in sex — then you are entitled to seek what sexual fulfillment you can find outside your marriage.

* Offer not good in Saudi Arabia or Jamaica.

My boyfriend and his best friend are close. Last summer, I noticed that when my boyfriend gets drunk he tries to grab his friend’s ass, throws his arm around him, and sits close to him. Then one day I found a pair of underwear in our bedroom that belonged to my boyfriend’s best friend. My boyfriend said he didn’t know how they got there. I figured he and his pal messed around and he didn’t know how to talk about it honestly because he’s pretty macho. I was jealous, but I asked myself if I could accept a bi boyfriend and decided that I could.

So a few days ago, my boyfriend’s best friend asks me if I tell my boyfriend everything he, the best friend, tells me. I say no, not necessarily. So he asks me to promise not to tell my boyfriend what he’s about to tell me. I say that depends. He brings up the underwear incident and says that he called a prostitute that night and fucked her in my bed, and that’s why his underwear was in my room. He tells me that my boyfriend let me think they were gay for each other rather than tell me that they called a hooker. And he tells me my boyfriend didn’t touch the hooker — to which I say yeah right.

Why did he tell me this? And what do I do with it now? Do I just forget about it? Please give me some advice. I feel like I can’t trust either of them right now. — Secrets And Deceit

Why would your boyfriend’s best friend come to you now, SAD, so many months after the Underwear Incident, and tell you this involved, incriminating, improbable story and then swear you to secrecy? Either he’s gone rogue on your boyfriend and made up all of this crap about the hooker in an effort to sabotage your relationship, SAD, or he and your boyfriend are concerned that you’re onto them and this is some bizarre effort to cover their tracks, i.e., to offer some excuse for the sole piece of incriminating evidence that indicates they may be something more than best friends.

Fucking each other or not, your boyfriend’s best friend is fucking with your head, and you’re under no obligation to keep this conversation secret from your boyfriend — and your ass is more than covered by that “that depends.” Talk it out with your boyfriend, SAD, and tell him you want the truth. Is he bisexual — emphasizing that you can live with bi — or is he gay? Or is he really such a scumbag that he’d tag-team a hooker in your bed with his best friend? Give him a chance to come clean and/or come out. And if your gut tells you he’s lying, SAD, end it.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

The movie: A modern-day remake of the eighteenth-century classic (and naughty, naughty novel) Les Liaisons dangereuses — this time with wealthy New York high-school kids as the protagonists.

The scene: The young ingénue, played by Selma Blair, tells Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character that she’s scared of boys, having never even gone to first base. Gellar asks her, “Haven’t you ever practiced on one of your girlfriends… How else do you think girls learn?” She then begins a lively lesson in the osculatory arts.

What you need:
• a pucker partner

The mechanics: Gellar’s advice comes in two stages. First, to get Blair started, she says, “Close your eyes and wet your lips,” then follows up with, “I’m going to stick my tongue in your mouth. When I do that, I want you to massage my tongue with yours.”

As hot as their on-screen kiss clearly is, this seems almost entirely wrong to me. First, there’s nothing wrong with having your eyes open; they’ll close naturally if you want, and sometimes it’s nice to be able to see the other person. Second, wet lips? I guess if you start out like the Sahara that makes sense, but I’m thinking back to my childhood and how my dad gave the wettest, sloppiest smooches (not the bad kind, don’t worry) — the added moisture was decidedly icky. You risk coming across as a Labrador-puppy-style kisser.

As to the question of tongue, one must tread lightly. While tongue can be a nice addition to a kiss, it’s easy to overdo it, as many a teen can attest. Instead, here are a few guidelines for successful (and civil) use of tongue:

• Don’t ram. If you’re going to put your tongue all the way into someone’s mouth, the last thing they need is you battering their uvula. Of course, if they batter yours first, that probably means they’re into it, so pound away!

• Don’t lick — face, teeth, ears, anything really. Kissing is great; being treated like chocolate-mint ice cream in a waffle cone isn’t.

• Outside-the-mouth tongue-on-tongue contact is primarily for pornos, not for recreational smooching. Looks good on film — and some people like it — but generally not so great in reality. Why leave the lips out of a kiss?

• Think of the tongue as an addition to a kiss, not the primary player. Remember: it’s still about the lips and their interaction. Some gentle tongue movement can up the ante, but so can changes in pressure, rhythm, placement, and direction. Kissing is intricate, and overemphasis on the tongue can make you lose track of the rest of the nuances.

Lesson we learn: Girls can look really good kissing each other in Central Park. (Oh, wait, we already knew that .) But what Gellar and Blair do so exquisitely is draw out the kiss, moving slowly, luxuriating in it and themselves. The erotic and romantic forces of such a smooch are palpable. Too often people kiss like they need to push through the back of the other person’s head, whereas a little delicacy with a nice slow tempo — prolonged and prolonged — can lead to some of the hottest (s)macking you’ll ever know.

Click here to read — and learn — more in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database.